‘Here’ is an illusion.

Here at Danportisdead industries we provide quality material for quality readers. We are a five star virtual facility. Best before most. Pride in the pour. I’m just quoting signs I see at work all the time. Hey what’s up? How’s it going? I just found out that I have to pay $44 dollars a week on health and dental insurance. I’m thinking about moving to France soon. I’ve always wanted to live somewhere where I can take wine and cheese to a park. Also they have cool stuff too like museums and…what else is in France? Anyway, I’m drinking Old Milwaukee, and for those who don’t know…holy shit I just realized its raining men carrying televisions outside…I completely forgot what I was gonna say. Anyway, I would add more to this but unfortunately I’m about to eat some macaroni and cheese and I really don’t have time for mindless humility. Just remember, that here at Danportisdead Industries we care. Every time we dish out a piece of ourselves for the world to digest and regret later, we have your best interests in mind. There’s only one of me, this just got weird. In any event, invest in us and we will invest in you. Probably. I need a smoke. 


No blog today. I watched the Packers win against the Lions and I am still all aflury about the whole situation. Yes ‘aflury’ is a word now. You’re welcome. 

FINISH HIM! (A dialogue by Daniel Port)

Persons of the dialogue



Archimedes (the dog)

SCENE: Ben’s house

Max: I’m hitting the B button, its not doing anything. It’s like its frozen or something like the button won’t press down.

Char: I think what you mean to say is, I suck, I make a lot of excuses for myself and I listen to really bad music.

Max: Hey don’t attack my music preferences, I don’t still have an Aqua poster on my wall.

Arch: Ha. Aqua.

Max: Shit! Hey does Ben have any other controllers, there is something seriously wrong with this one.

Char: Stop complaining.

Max: I just don’t trust anything with electrical tape on it. Who uses electrical tape?

Char: Go ask him then.

Max: I would but he’s in the other room with his girlfriend all alone and stuff. You don’t just walk up to someone when their alone with their girlfriend and ask them if they have an extra controller for their playstation. That’s weird. Who has the original playstation anymore? And plus she always like whispers stuff in his ear when other people are around like she’s an eight year old at recess or something. You ask him.

Char: The doors open, you can probably yell and he’d hear you.

Max: Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying.

Char: Fatality my man!

Max: This seriously isn’t fair.

Char: Which one, the circle or the square?

Max: I don’t know, whichever one would be the B button on a normal controller.

Char: Hmm. A moral quandary. Is a square not a square and a circle not a circle?

Max: …perhaps?

Char: Can a B not be a square and a circle?

Max: What?

Char: Is it indeed possible for a circle to be confused as a B and a square to be confused as a B simultaneously?

Max: ..simultaneous…?

Char: Can we not agree that the B never existed in the first place? And that your moral quandary isn’t a quandary after all?

Max: Stop talking like that…

Char: Finish him! Yes!

Max: Why is Reptile so hard to maneuver? There’s like no difference between him and Scorpion.

Char: He doesn’t have a very good special move. I mean scorpion has his “get over here” and sub-zero has that “you’re frozen thing”. I mean what can Reptile do?

Max: He spits acid, man. Hot acid in people’s faces. I mean…the idea of it is awesome, but you would think it’d be more effective. I mean, that stuff gets in your eyes and it should be like K.O. from there.

Arch: You guys are stupid, I’m out of here.

Max: Yes! Finally! …come on man, don’t leave me hangin’. That was a sweet win. I took your character out to dinner and bought her dessert and, I even held the door open for her and shit.

Char: Why do I even use female characters on this game…

Max: Cuz they’re like agile and stuff. You know, they’re really flexible and can do handstands and other awesome female things.

Char: Speaking of females, how are you and Rachel doing?

Max: We’re alright.

Char: That didn’t sound too confident. Here, come take a seat on my lap and tell me all about it.

Max: eww weird.

Arch: Can somebody let me outside please?

Max: Alright, well I showed up at her house the other day to surprise her and…

Char: Whoa whoa whoa whoa…surprise her? Women don’t like to be surprised at their house, especially by their boyfriend.

Max: Why not? It’s totally romantic and stuff.

Char: It’s not romantic.

Max: Who made you the aficionado on romance and dating? I want to find this guy and steal his mail.

Char: I’m just sayin’. Women love plans. The more organized you are, the happier your relationship will be.

Max: Who’s side are you on? Mine or Dick’s?

Char: Whoa who brought Dick into this?

Max: Well apparently you did.

Char: I did not bring Dick into this, there has been no Dick anywhere in this.

Max: He was at her house when I got there.

Char: Dick?

Max: Stop saying Dick!

Char: So you surprised her at her house, and her ex boyfriend was there. Big deal. They probably made plans. I doubt he just surprised her at her house.

Max: You know what never mind. Can we just continue to play this stupid video game which apparently I suck at because everyone hates me.

Char: I don’t think Dick hates you.

Max: I’m going to kill you.

Char: There’s that anger! There’s that passion! Now lets play some Mortal Kombat!

Arch: I seriously hate my life.

oh my god.

I haven’t posted anything since September 20th and I still get views. I love you guys. The archival breadth on this baby must be phenomenal. I always like leaving places for a long period of time and then coming back because so much stuff changes, but wordpress, you let me down. Absolutely nothing changed….except for when I click “new post” it asks me what I want to post. Text duh, stop asking dumb questions. I have like over a hundred posts, you should know me by now. I’m surprised at the amount of English people in Virginia. Like legitimate English people. There’s even a guy from Australia that works at my restaurant. I mean, its not like Virginia was where the first British Settlement was in Roanoke, VA on approximately the year 1590 or whatever. Don’t check my facts people, I never do. Well my mom’s on this ancestry.com kick or whatever and apparently this dude named Garvis Gilbert moved from Leeds, UK in like 1763 or whatever, like I said don’t check my facts, to somewhere in bumfuck America and started the gene process that would eventually become my family line. All of this information was and still is absolutely worthless and never call for a lifeline on a gameshow because I don’t have time to check facts. We’re makin shit up over here. Well anyway, just wanted to catch up. Also, I’m sorry for being rude on my e-mail, I really want to talk. I’d e-mail you again, but I’m afraid of you. I’m also afraid of most glass elevators. Especially when you can see through the floor, gives me the creeps just thinking about it. Alright, well eat a Gyro today, they are pretty awesome and hey, have a class act kind of day. Love you!

Sorry, I’m too…

Sorry, I’m too much of an adult to put up with these silly games. I laid all my feelings out on the line. I took a chance and told you how I felt and you never responded. You ignored me completely. I understand your lack of reaction I suppose, but how to do you think that made me feel? Excuse my ingratitude. Its been nice knowing you.

why the hell..

are the iranians still bent out of shape about Rushdie?! Just thought I would take a moment to fully comprehend the absurdity of this notion. And jesus christ, not to be ironic, 3 something million dollars!? As a reward for his death?! That was issued in 1989?! Give the man a break, my god. Sorry, not my god, your god. I don’t want to be fatwaed also. 

Plentyoffish.com first date

My first date would go like this: I would probably buy you something like a cute, cuddly teddy bear or a bouquet of flowers (or maybe a bird of paradise if I wanted to get really frisky, loljk), then I would pick you up in my luxurious white Nissan Sentra with power heating and air conditioning. We would listen to soft, classical music (or punk whatever) turned down low so that we could enjoy each other’s conversation. We would drive to an unspecified location…because I can’t really think of one right now…and I would open up my trunk and I would pull out a blanket of the softest silk, and a wicker picnic basket filled with fresh cut fruit, an array of cheeses, table crackers and a bottle of Moscato…because I f***ing love moscato…..and I would hire a man to play violin just far enough away so that it would not be a bane to our enjoyable experience. We would then sit there and watch the sun set to the Godfather theme song….he better know the godfather theme song…to add just the right amount of contrast. And after the sun goes and the wine is all gone we would go out for ice cream in downtown lexington and walk the streets of downtown as we eat it. And then I would drop you off back at your place after it was all over and we could make plans to see each other again after I walk you to your door. I would text you and let you know that I made it home safely and say goodnight. 

Either that or we can just go to Macs and have pint. :P


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